conjure_lass: (Bleach: Uraichi Kiss)
[personal profile] conjure_lass
Author: Conjure Lass!
Title: Waxwing
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Uraichi
Warnings: Angst, Character Death, Mourning, Grief, Sadness, Boo-hoo.
Summary: A Time for Letting Go…
Author's Notes: I wrote this one for the Come As You're Not Party. The objective was to write outside my box. Please note that this story does *NOT* fall into any previous Uraichi storyline I have written and is to be taken completely outside that plotline. Don't worry guys! Everyone is still alive in my world! Blame it all on [ profile] akuni for she was the one who put me up to this. *giggle*

The marigolds had died long ago…

Where once petals colored like the setting sun kept vigil next to the bed, now there lay only the withered husks of flowers, lifeless and brown. They and their companions, shriveled chrysanthemums, scattered noisily across the floor in the breeze from the open window, the scent of old incense a heavy perfume in the air. Soft candlelight, the only warmth in an otherwise cold room, waved and danced against the wall, illuminating a lone figure curled silently on a rumpled futon. The figure barely stirred at the sound of a pair of waxwing singing outside in the ume trees in the twilight, rolling over only long enough to clutch at an abused pillow before stillness settled around him once more.

He’d been this way for days.

Ichigo reached out slowly towards a stray flower, taking it in his fingertips and bringing it up to his face, rubbing his nose along the dry petals with a barely audible sigh. As the dead bloom crumbled and turned to dust in his grasp, he closed his eyes tightly, willing the tears to keep back, willing his breath to keep even. If a heart could have disintegrated and fallen to ashes, surely it would have done so, even though it was beating so frantically in his chest that he felt light-headed. What irony that it was during the moment he wanted to feel his life beating in his body the least that he was at once most aware of it. Cruel.

He should have gotten up, taken a shower, tried to clean up the mess that was strewn across the bedroom he had once shared with his departed lover…but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. The sheets, smelling vaguely of Kisuke’s shampoo, were still open the way he had left them, the indentation of his head still pressed into the pillow. Ichigo was careful not to disturb either of them, snuggling as close to the quickly fading smell of the blonde as he could, convincing himself that perhaps if he just closed his eyes long enough that when he opened them he wouldn’t be alone anymore.

But he always was.

If he’d died in some monumental battle, died in the glory of combat, maybe Ichigo might have felt better about it. He doubted it though. There was simply no comfort for him, nothing that anyone could say or do to ease his agony, nothing to keep his heartbreak at bay. His family had been trying for days to get him to come out of the bedroom, promising to at least feed him, as though somehow eating might have filled up the empty spaces that Kisuke’s passing had wrought within him. The notion was laughable at best, insulting as worst, and Ichigo had somewhat-less-than-politely told them he didn’t need anyone’s company or charity. That if he couldn’t have the person he wanted most in the world than he’d rather be alone.

There was no time in his life that he could remember being more lonely. Even when his mother had died, her life stolen away in the torrential rain, he hadn’t felt this pressing ache in his chest, the gaping hole in his spirit that left him utterly speechless in its wake. When he’d watched them bury Kisuke’s ashes in the ground, the dark earth covering his urn like it had never existed at all, Ichigo was certain something inside of him curled up and died. The pain that had up until that point been a sharp wound in his gut had expanded, becoming this throbbing torment, constant and unrelenting, eating at what little strength he had left until he couldn‘t seem to move. Frozen in his grief, immobilized by his mourning.

He couldn’t even cry…

The breeze that had been blowing through the window picked up in intensity, knocking some things around on the dresser nearby, catching Ichigo’s attention when a few fell to the floor. One in particular caught his eye the most, rolling around on its side to land upside down, mocking Ichigo with its green and white stripes, reminding him of distant times when he‘d seen that same damn hat do that same damn thing. He stared at it for what seemed like an eternity, not knowing if he even had the strength to pick it up off the floor.

Another stiff wind…it blew closer. His eyes narrowed, pushing himself upright with shaky arms, mechanically sitting and glaring at the offending article of clothing. Inexplicably, he felt himself growing angry, a fire lighting in the bowels of his heart that spurred him into action, sent energy into his legs that allowed him to rise up off the bed. He was across the room before he could even blink, slamming the window shut hard enough that he felt the sill shudder and crack against the strain. Ichigo didn’t exactly know what he was angry at, only that he could barely suppress the shivering in his exhausted limbs, the furious tears that stung at the corners of his eyes. Why couldn’t anything, even the wind, simply leave him be!?

Scooping up the hat almost reverently, he ran the pads of his thumbs across the worn brim, licking at lips that had abruptly gone so dry. The world was getting a bit blurry, his vision becoming hazy, and he heard himself sniffle before the first tear fell onto the fabric of Kisuke’s hat. Sinking slowly to the floor, he crossed his legs and leaned forward, doubling up on himself as his forehead brushed against the hat that had once almost never left his lovers head. His smell was still there, imbedded in the cloth, years of wear making it impossible to eradicate. It smelled like him. The tears were coming faster now, soft sounds hiccupping from his throat as he rubbed his wet cheek across the top of the hat. Nothing was every going to be all right…was it?

Was it…

Long minutes passed as Ichigo sat prone on the floor, finally looking up towards the futon; its wrinkled sheets, its dying memories. The candle at the bedside was nearly gone, the last vestiges of its light starting to flicker away as night settled in around him, the wax expanding into a quickly hardening pool on the tray. Soon its glow would burn out completely, leaving Ichigo entirely alone in the dark, sitting on the tatami mats with no one to help him up. No one he wanted anyway.

And maybe that’s what hurt the most…the idea that someday the candle of his affection for Kisuke would slowly burn out, leaving the place where he’d kept their love empty and alone. He couldn’t stand the thought of that. That the place in his soul that had once been so vibrant and alive would wither away just like the marigolds strewn across the floor, something he’d have to eventually clean up and throw away. Kisuke meant more to him than that. Even now that he was gone, Ichigo could still feel him there inside, nestled in every corner of his being, every thought, every breath, each sorrowful glance, all his lonely sighs. That would never change, nor did he want it to.

It didn’t have to change…did it? That didn’t have to change for Ichigo to get better…

The walk back to the futon seemed longer than the one to the window, a strange resolution forming in his chest with each unsteady step taken towards it. He remembered this feeling; this feeling that Kisuke had taught him. When he finally made it to the bed he went down to his knees, reaching gently across the sheets to run his fingertips across the cool surface of his lover’s pillow, letting his hands commit to memory the feel of the recess, the slight scratchiness of the pillowcase. Everything. He wanted to have a sensory memory of everything…before…

Ichigo reached down and grasped at the wrinkled sheet, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. Gradually he began pulling the bedding up, up, up towards the top of the futon, tucking in the edges with infinite care, making sure everything was in order, everything was in place. He took just as much attention with the rest of the coverings, methodical and unhurried, until at last the bed was finally made. Perfect and clean. Finality. Ichigo bowed his head, tears dripping off his chin like they had at Kisuke‘s funeral, as if he’d just buried him in the ground all over again.

But the bed was made.

The fading candle on the other side of the futon drew his attention away from his tears for a moment, the light flashing shakily across his face, casting long shadows against his skin. It was about to go out after hours of being lit. It was going out. No…he couldn’t let it go out like that. Not like that.

Standing stiffly, he brought two fingers up to his cheek and coated them with his still-wet tears, moving to crouch down next to the tray with its dead flowers and dying candle, staring straight ahead because he didn’t have the nerve to look down at it. Without allowing himself to second-guess his actions, he let his fingers drift forward towards the wick of the candle, hesitating when he felt the burn of the flame against his skin. Kisuke wouldn’t want him to be like this. He wouldn’t want Ichigo to be so miserable, even though it wasn’t something the older man could have prevented.


And the candle went out with a final, earth-shattering hiss.

This KILLED a little piece of me. Killing my favorite character and writing about mourning? WTF? I'm so glad I don't do this very often. *tears up*



Date: 2008-10-31 11:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You broke my heart just a little here, babe. yes, I'm crying. It was sad and beautiful at the same time. I'm glad I read it but I don't think I'll every be able to read it again. It hurts too much. Wonderful job.

Date: 2008-10-31 12:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hands our more hankies* Yes I feel the same way. Beautiful pain, that I can never read again.

Date: 2008-10-31 09:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*beams through her tears*

[ profile] akuni's actually made me bawl cause breakup scenes KILL ME DEAD. I was cowardly in my "angst" in comparison.

But i'm glad you liked it. I tried to write something beautiful and more descriptive than i've been doing lately. Glad it worked!

Date: 2008-11-01 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I did like it. I think I read half of it through tears. You knocked yourself out on this one. Thank god you don't write this kind of stuff on a regular basis or you'd shred my heart.

Date: 2008-10-31 11:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*cuddles and gives hanky*

Oh my heart hurts with yours and Ichigo's! This is richly painful. You've set the scene so well, you put the image of the flickering candlelight right in front of us, and then... then extinguish it. WAHH!

I like that you don't tell us how it happened, but that you give us clues as to how it didn't. Just the right touch to stir morbid curiosity in us, despite our grief, making us feel that much worse when our imaginations go into overdrive.

I'm so proud of us! I will be posting mine shortly. With both of these, today will surely be emoday! *sniffles and goes off to find a fluffbunny*

Date: 2008-10-31 09:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*Toes Ground*

You know...the actual reason I didn't mention how he died? Um...was because I coudln't think of anything. *grimace*

But it worked out right? Right.

I need something sweet to read...anything! I'm going to go read the happiest fic I have saved.

Date: 2008-10-31 09:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Shh, you're not supposed to admit that. :p I do think it works out better not saying, though. My imagination supplies all the worst possible options and makes me even more wibbly!

Me too, I am digging in my links right now!

Date: 2008-10-31 08:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Very haunting and beautiful. The imagery was so powerful, one description stood out for me, ... might have filled up the empty spaces that Kisuke’s passing had wrought within him. Ugh, you killed me here. The contrast of being so passionate and alive to being numb and deadened was so powerful.

I was able to hold back the tears until Kisuke's hat blew towards Ichigo. I imagined that he was trying one last time to be there for his lover. I'm glad that in the end Ichigo found strength in his love for Kisuke to go back to living his life. Great job!

Date: 2008-10-31 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad it turned out as well as i'd hoped! I really didn't have it in me to write hardcore angst, but I do have it in me to write sorrow and lovely imagery. So that's what I went for since I never write sad stuff.

I want to write something happy for my pairing now, but first I must write my gift for [ profile] akuni to make her feel better. *nod nod*

Date: 2008-11-01 12:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Fluff is always a good way to make the angst go away. ^_^ I look forward to reading it.

Date: 2008-11-01 12:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

This was very moving, very sad, and had beautiful (yet depressing) imagery. The ending line was brilliant, and Ichigo handling Urahara's hat was just...*cries*

I'm not sure I can re-read this and as such I apologise for the rather sparse comment. I read this while at uni and as I was about to comment I realised I needed to be somewhere else. >_>

Date: 2008-11-01 02:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Not to worry! I'm glad to see you read it!

I promise not to do any more sad stuff anytime soon. *crosses heart*

It's nice to know (for myself) that i'm still capable of it when I want to be.

I've got a little something sweet (aka fluffy) for the pairing half finished. I'm going to try to finish it up tomorrow and get it out. We'll see how it goes.

Date: 2008-11-01 03:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awwwwww! Considering I'm not familiar with the fandom at all, and had to do a quick Wiki check to get up to speed, this was remarkably effective as a story of pain of mourning. Without really knowing who these people are, I definitely felt and believed in what the character was going through and immediately wanted to comfort him.

Great job and thanks so much for coming to the party in such a lovely, if heart-breaking costume.

Date: 2008-11-02 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you! Knowing that you don't know the characters well makes the fact that it touched you extra special to me!

LOL...Bleach is so long and involved, I feel terribly that you went through Wiki to figure it out. LOL.

Date: 2008-11-02 12:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Better than getting everything I know from [ profile] fandomsecrets.

Date: 2008-11-02 12:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I try to avoid those kinds of places. They're full of wank and drama.

*giggle* People take their fandoms veray seriusleeeeyyy.

Date: 2008-11-02 12:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, I'm sort of addicted to the wank and drama. I've had three separate appearances in FandomWank. (One was only a cameo. I was one of the victims in Plagiarism-gate 2007.)

Date: 2008-11-02 12:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh GAWD you invite le drama. *giggle*

So like, what were these appearances? I'm all curious now.

Date: 2008-11-02 01:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
#1-The RPS Wank

Plagiarism Wank-Like I said, cameo appearance. I was one of many who got plaigiarised by one very disturbed person.

Basically this was a Torchwood wank, because I insisted that Ianto is RTD's Mary Sue, i.e. his way of getting to sleep with Capt. Jack.

Date: 2008-11-04 08:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awww, this is sooo sad and yet beautifully done! i can almost imagine ichigo's heartbreaking expression!! And killing kisuke, to be honest, i'd never be able to write a kisuke death fic (i simply love him too much)!!

Date: 2008-11-04 09:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh believe me, i'm never doing it again. As a matter of fact, i'm working on an interlude piece for Sour Apple right now (literally right now) that is cute and fluffy and sweet. It was originally supposed to be for my writing group but I didn't make the deadline so its going into Sour Apple. LOL.

Date: 2008-12-01 05:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*can feel heart breaking and shattering into a million tiny pieces*

WHY OH WHY?!? *dies along with Urahara*

Date: 2008-12-01 07:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw don't be too sad sweetie! He's alive in the rest of my writing! I promise! I might even write you a happy little piece to make it up to you luv.


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