conjure_lass: (Bleach: Ura SQUEE!!)
[personal profile] conjure_lass
Title: In Good Taste
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing: Ryuuken/Isshin/Kisuke
Rating and Genre: PG-13-Humour
WordCount: Around 2500
Summary: Christmas Eve in Japan is supposed to be romantic…or at least that was the plan.
A/N: This was written for [livejournal.com profile] annieroo2 for our writing community's secret santa. I had never written two of these characters before, but I think it turned out all right. I hope you like it despite the fact that my smut muse refused to come out to play!



He liked to smoke first thing in the morning.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true. There were a few bodily functions to take care of before one could actually get to the smoking, but that was neither here nor there. Nothing started his day off better than opening up the bedroom window, letting in a gentle breeze, and smoking that first sweet cigarette of the day. Lung cancer be damned. Everyone was going to die eventually, and he’d always had the feeling that his end wasn’t going to come at the hands of the cancer sticks.

And so it was this longstanding habit, and his current inability to engage in it, that was causing Ishida Ryuuken to become rather homicidal.

Which was honestly a terrible waste considering that the prior evening had been so…pleasant. It wasn’t often that the three of them got to spend a few nights alone together, so it really was quite a shame that he was going to have to bludgeon his two still-slumbering lovers into piles of bloody mush.

He’d start with Kisuke, whose calm face had taken up residence plastered to his abdomen, the blonde’s arms wrapped snugly around him as he quietly snored. Then, once Kisuke was sufficiently battered and bruised, he’d move on to Isshin, who was (of course) snoring significantly more loudly and directly into his ear. Ryuuken couldn’t see him, but he could feel the taller man molded flush against his spinal column, Isshin’s long arms gripped around his neck so tightly that he was certain asphyxiation was imminent. How did he always manage to get sandwiched between them? He would have been better off sleeping on the floor where he wasn’t in danger of being choked to death!

“Let…go,” he gasped, trying without success to wrench his arms free of Kisuke’s surprisingly firm grip. “Let go you useless sack of…”

“Awww, Ryu-kun, let him sleep.” The voice came from behind, groggy and muffled, its owner peeking a pair of dark eyes over Ryuuken’s shoulder to glance down at the top of Kisuke’s head. “He gets all pouty when he doesn’t get his eight hours.”

“He’s salivating on my stomach.” Ryuuken continued struggling, ignoring Kisuke’s unconscious murmurs of protest with each jerking movement. “And he isn’t cute when he’s sleep deprived…he’s evil.”

“All the more reason to calm down. Unless you want a repeat of last Christmas.”

Memories flashed instantly behind his eyes. Horrific visions of exploding trees, holes in the walls, and Christmas cake flying in every possible direction as Kisuke indulged in one of his extremely-rare-but-life-threatening temper tantrums. Ryuuken had never seen anything quite like it, and he’d hoped to never see it again. It had taken two weeks and forty-five thousand yen to get that smell out of the rug.

The sudden apprehension swirling in his belly caused him to settle slightly, allowing Isshin to reach around and pry Kisuke’s arms from Ryuuken’s waist, placing them in a more convenient position.

“I still want a damn cigarette,” he groused, reluctantly resting his chin in the nest of Kisuke’s hair. He sighed long-sufferingly. “Christmas Eve is supposed to be romantic and I can’t very well participate without my morning cigarette.”

“You can’t be romantic without your limbs either.” Isshin countered with a wide yawn, nodding down to where Kisuke was drooling and snuggling contentedly. “I think you’ll live without a smoke for now, don’t you?”

Fear of gratuitous amounts of pain rippled through him, quickening his breath. “I wouldn’t normally admit this considering what an idiot you are but…you’re right. Besides, you elderly types need your rest.”

“Smart man,” came a whispered voice. Ryuuken pulled back, pulse racing, to glance down at the one gray eye glaring up at him from beneath messy blond bangs. “Now, go back to sleep before I fully reach consciousness.”

He could always have his morning cigarette in the afternoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You are not wearing that out in public.”

Isshin turned from the mirror, eyes going wide and wet as he fingered the lapels of his very tacky, very disgusting, very awful Christmas suit. It wasn’t just that it was bad. Oh, no. It was a veritable mockery of modern fashion. Every seam, stitch, and scrap of fabric was a slap in the face of good taste and decency. It was ugly. It was burgundy. It was velvet. And the white and green ascot did not go with it at all. Not a bit. Especially when it was topped off with a light up Christmas tree stickpin.

How could the salesperson sell this to him in good conscience?

Ryuuken ran his hand down his face and tried not to lose his temper. This was what happened when you dated an ex-shinigami. Two of them. Surely he was being punished for some slight in a previous life. He was a masochis. Gods, he needed a cigarette.

“Why not?” Isshin pouted, bottom lip beginning to tremble as he glanced at himself in the mirror. “It’s Christmassy! And it fits well! You’re always yelling at me that my clothes don’t fit properly.”

“I didn’t expect you to dip yourself in velour! You look like a bad Elvis impersonator.”

“Isshin-san!” Kisuke practically skipped into the room, stopping when he saw Isshin to grin and flail a bit. “You look so handsome! Why, we’re practically twins!” He posed dramatically, flipping a lock of hair out of his eye.

That they were. Ugly twins. But where Isshin looked as though he’d dunked himself in a vat of spoiled wine, Kisuke looked like he’d doused himself in sickly mucus. The velvet was the same, the cut was the same, it was all the same save for the color of the fabric. They were deranged, Bobbsey Twined, fashion nightmares come to life.

“You two…look like utter fools,” he hissed, unconsciously straightening his sensible Quincy tie and brushing his hands over the sleeves of his dove gray suit jacket. “I refuse to have dinner with either of you. I’ll simply invite Uryu instead.”

Kisuke looked up from where he was busy fussing with Isshin’s twinkling cravat to cock an eyebrow, voice coming out light and playful. “Don’t be silly Ryuuken-san. Uryu-san barely tolerates you on the best of days. He certainly wouldn’t go have a romantic dinner with you. To say nothing of the incestuous implications.”

“You!” Ryuuken sputtered out, fists clenching at his sides as Isshin and Kisuke erupted into riotous laughter. “I should put an arrow straight between your eyes and you’ll never use that big brain again!”

Whirling on his heel, he had just put his hand on the doorknob to leave when arms wrapped around him from behind, dragging him back towards the center of the room. Why he allowed himself to be manhandled in such a way he‘d never know, but he did have a bit of trouble staying truly angry with either of them these days. Perhaps he’d gotten it all out of his system during their twenty-year separation.

“Don’t be that way,” Kisuke purred into his ear, giving the lobe a small nip with perfect white teeth. Ryuuken’s skin broke out in bumps to spite himself. “You take things too seriously. Besides, if my brain were punctured I could hardly be expected to pleasure you.”

“And we know you like that,” Isshin agreed slyly, sliding to a stop in front of Ryuuken to run a teasing fingertip down the bridge of his nose and push his glasses up. “Come on. We’ll pay…or Kisuke will pay. Whichever.”

“What?!” Kisuke quickly poked his head above Ryuuken’s, voice disbelieving. “Since when?”

“I have three kids! You only have two!”

“I count Tessai-san as one of my beloved children…not to mention Yoruichi-san eats me out of house and home every other week! And I feed Ichigo-san more often than you do, so obviously you should pay.”

“Ohhhh, it’s on now!” Isshin jumped back, putting up his fists in a mock threat. “You’re threatening my status as Best Daddy in the World!”

As the two began sparring, Ryuuken felt a small smile begin to crease the corners of his lips at the absurdity of the situation. How on Earth had he ever gotten himself involved with two ridiculous man-children like this? He put up a palm and raised his voice. “Stop! Stop! Enough. I’ll pay.”

Both pausing, they turned in unison with raised fists to smile brightly at him. Ryuuken continued with a pointed finger. “If! If you change into something suitable.”

Isshin seemed to think on it for a moment, the expression a little foreign on his features. “Can we keep the cravats?”

A pause. “Yes, you can keep the damn cravats.”

“Wooohoooo!”

-----------------------------------------------------------

It had to have been the warm sake. Or temporary insanity. Nothing else could have possibly made him agree to this.

Oh, his wounded Quincy pride.

“Hold your arms out further, Ryu-kun!” Isshin laughed, draping another strand of blue and white lights around his body. At least they weren’t plugged in yet, and he could delay his humiliation for another twenty minutes or so. Unfortunately, with that last strand he was essentially trapped in place, unable to move more than a few inches to flick his cigarette when the ash got too long.

“You are quite the handsome specimen,” Kisuke said with a wink, piling the cerulean blue tree-skirt around his feet before standing back to survey his work. “Your branches are a little skinny, but I think with some pretty garland you should be quite an effective tree.”

“I can still kill you,” Ryuuken spoke around his cigarette, watching it bob and jump with each syllable. “Even like this, I can still make you suffer.”

Silver and blue garland was wrapped loosely around his neck in reply, the decoration scratchy against the skin of his throat. He sniffed indignantly and wished it were over, wondering for the twentieth time what could have possessed him over dinner to agree to something so ludicrous. And yet, here he was, little ornament hooks prickling into the fabric of his pajama top, glittering stars and shiny glass balls hanging from the sleeves, candy canes jutting out of his pockets and gingerbread men clinging to his pant legs. Truly he had become a depraved and irrational man.

Love had obviously made him stupid.

“I think that’s just about done it!” Isshin nodded happily, walking around Ryuuken with a surveying eye, tapping his lips thoughtfully. “I can’t think of anything else you need other than to be turned on!”

“I can do that.” Kisuke offered from his place on the couch, a mischievous look glinting in his eyes as he licked the rim of his sake cup. Ryuuken glared as menacingly as possible for a man who was covered from head to toe in Christmas decorations. “Oh, you meant the lights. Poo. Steal an old pervert’s joy.”

“Later! Later!” Isshin waved a dismissive hand and snapped his fingers. “He does need one more thing though. The pièce de résistance!”

With unnecessary flourish he pulled a very fluffy, very bright, very gaudy Santa hat from inside a box, waving it about with childish glee. It was mostly blue with white fur trim, a shining silver Quincy cross dangling from the tip, sequins and beads adorning every available free space. Completely awful and vaguely insulting. Who the hell had made that horrible thing?!

“Uryu-san made it just for us!” Kisuke answered his question without realizing it, having given up his sake in favor of spiked coffee. “He’s very creative…though his beautiful clothes are nothing compared to the ones you used to wear. Ohhhh, the bellbottoms and peek-a-boo pants!”

Ryuuken could feel the heat rising up in his cheeks, partially from humiliation and partially from anger. He was amazed that his voice came out as calm as it did. “I thought we’d decided never to discuss those things again.”

“Lighten up, you snobby old fart!” Isshin rubbed their noses together as he settled the horrendously ugly hat on Ryuuken’s head and gave the corner of his lips a chaste kiss. “It was in style back then! You can’t be held accountable for how tacky you looked.”

“I did not look tacky.”

“You’re absolutely right Ryuuken-san. I rather enjoyed those fleeting glances of your half-naked derrière!” Kisuke giggled, nearly spilling his coffee.

“It’s going to be the last time you ever do if you keep this up.” Ryuuken spat his finished cigarette into the nearby ashtray, rolling his eyes. “Can you just plug me in and finish this nonsense? I’d like to start rebuilding my self-esteem.”

“Not a problem!” Isshin was already standing near the outlet, grinning like a maniac, ready to plug in the lights. “And here we go!”

Ryuuken turned his head and shut his eyes, preparing himself for the blinding flash of light that was sure to follow, making ready to sprint for the fire extinguisher should he spontaneously combust. So when long moments passed and there was no burst of color on the backs of his eyelids…he got a bit confused. What had happened? Had the light been so intense that he’d gone instantly blind? Had he died? This didn’t feel like death.

“Isshin-san…was something supposed to happen?” A confused whisper.

“I don’t…I don’t know. They worked last Christmas.” An equally confused response.

He re-opened his eyes slowly, nibbling his bottom lip in an attempt not to laugh at the identical looks of disappointed the two of them wore. They were like sad children who had gotten coal in their stockings on Christmas morning. Like they’d opened their presents and found underwear and socks. Like they’d just watched a puppy get kicked. They also looked a bit…adorable, though Ryuuken certainly wasn’t going to tell them that. Better to keep that to himself than risk their heads becoming too big.

“This is precisely what you two deserved. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

Rolling his shoulders as elegantly as possible, he quickly shed the layers of decorations, watching with satisfaction as they fell in glittering waves to the floor. Finally, when he was left with nothing but the hat, he turned to the two of them with a mischievous grin. “What? Did you expect me to stand there all night for your amusement?”

“No,” Kisuke spoke first, his empty coffee cup held uselessly at his side, bottom lip jutting out. “But I was sort of hoping to get a few pictures for blackmail later on.”

“I had thought the lights would burn a hole in your pants or something.” Isshin offered next, just as pathetically.

“Well.” Ryuuken strode slowly to the doorway, pausing to turn around and glance over his shoulder. “My apologies for disappointing you, but I already own two pairs of peek-a-boo pants.”

“Two?” The corner of Kisuke’s mouth quirked upwards. “I only remember the ones with the beaded fringe.”

“Not that pair. The other pair.”

“Ooooooohhh!” Isshin elbowed Kisuke sharply in the ribs. He laughed conspiratorially. “The other pair. Wait…what other pair?”

“Why don’t you two stop gaping like land bound fish and find out? Oh, and bring my cigarettes…”

Uryu wasn’t the only one who was creative with the needle and thread.

~fini~



God, i'm going to have to write some Uraichi now. I feel like I just made Kisuke cheat on Ichigo. *laugh* Happy New Year everyone!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Cherry!

Date: 2009-12-30 06:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 2metaldog.livejournal.com
*laughs manically*

Oh this was vastly entertaining. I have to remember to post my own offering this evening when I get home from work.

Date: 2009-12-30 06:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
*BIG GRIN*

My writing style has warped into this these days. I'm not sure what to make of it.

Anyway! I'm totally thrilled you enjoyed it...considering how nervous I am about it. I'd never written a threesome before in ANY setting. *heh*

Date: 2009-12-31 01:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annieroo2.livejournal.com
*does a dancing jig of fangirly squee*

The first thing I thought when I saw this though, was you poor thing, it must have hurt horribly. *laughs* Then I read your end credits and snickered.

You wrote my own personal omake of glee! Your Ryuuken voice was snide, snotty and hilarious! I adored it completely.

I also loved how this felt like 'Animal House' the golden years. The velor pant suits, horrible cravats, gaudy hat and lights and peekaboo pants had me in stitches.

By the end I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. Totally awesome!! Fun and laughter and my favorite gifts! :D

Thank you so much!!

Date: 2009-12-31 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
It DID HURT DAMMIT. It was like ripping my poor fangirl soul in half to make my beloved Kisuke cheat on his Ichi. OTPs are a BITCH.

I had never written Ryuuken before. I kind of just went for humorous bastard and it seemed to work.

I am TERRIBLY sorry that I couldn't bring the porn. I just coudlnt' seem to get into that this Christmas for anyone. But I made you laugh, so i'm feeling better now.

*PREEEEENS* I'm glad you liked it!!

Date: 2010-01-04 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annieroo2.livejournal.com
That's precisely why I don't have an OTP, it's much easier to whore the guys out to all and sundry. *snerk*

Ryuuken = humorous bastard works stupendously!! I adored him.

Porn, schmorn, truthfully as much as I love it, laughing is my favorite kink. And you fulfilled that beautifully. :D

Date: 2009-12-31 01:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] akuni.livejournal.com
*snickering very loudly* Oh Cherry, the crack, it makes my inner child very happy. *g* Poor Ryuuken - he puts up with a hell of a lot, but he protests just a hair too much. ;) I guess he has to at least make an effort to salvage his Quincy pride when he knows he's going to give in to those two crackpots!

I knew you could do it! And I knew she'd love it. :)

Date: 2009-12-31 02:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
I KNOWWW. The crack pretty much ate my soul this Christmas. *laugh*

Gin had mentioned that Kisuke is different in this fic than he was in my Uraichi fics and I'd be tempted to agree. But I dunno...somehow I felt like he'd be the most ukeish of the three. Which was completely WEIRD to me, but there you go.

LOL. I did it!! *pumps fist in the air*

Happy Anniversary by the way!

Date: 2009-12-31 10:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moshesque.livejournal.com
*giggling madly* This is too much fun. I love your descriptions and the humour running throughout, and I think you did a marvellous job with the characters. I've never read these three together, but they bounce off each other so well.

The description of Isshin's suit had me laughing; what a dork. Ryuuken's exasperation seemed perfectly just. *g*

“Your branches are a little skinny, but I think with some pretty garland you should be quite an effective tree.”

“I can still kill you,” Ryuuken spoke around his cigarette, watching it bob and jump with each syllable. “Even like this, I can still make you suffer.”


God, that whole scene just had me busting a gut, bwahahahaha! Poor Ryuuken. The things he puts up with. :D

Fantastic stuff!

Date: 2009-12-31 03:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
I'm glad it made you laugh! My humour muse has been sincerely awake for a WHILE. I'm enjoying it!

*beams* Even if your writing is heads and shoulders above my own, i'm still glad you liked it! *grin*

Date: 2009-12-31 03:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] omgimsuchadork.livejournal.com
Hurray, I'm glad you finished it!!

Happy new year, bb! ♥

Date: 2009-12-31 04:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
I did! I'm pleased! Now all I have to do is finish that Hetalia fic I promised myself i'd finish. *laugh* We'll see how that goes. :)

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