conjure_lass: (Bleach: Ura Pimpin' Hat)
[personal profile] conjure_lass
Author: Conjure Lass!
Title: High Tech Underwear
Rating: R
Pairing: Uraichi
Warnings: Mentions of sex, cussing, some nudity and groping, semi-crack fic.
Summary: In which Kisuke gives Ichigo a pair of Underwear he cannot possibly refuse.
Author's Notes: This one is for YOU [livejournal.com profile] 2metaldog who gave me this idea about an hour ago. This is just a drabble (an 800 word drabble) so don't be expecting perfection...but it IS funny. And as always, the rest of my fictions can be found here at my fiction index. Hope you enjoy!



Twenty minutes…twenty minutes he’d been attempting to get these damn underwear off his ass and he had yet to succeed. It wasn’t as though they were glued to his body; he could easily open the flap or pull them down to go to the bathroom. No, the problem came when he attempted to take them off all together, finding it impossible to get them past his knees before a strange electric shock rocketed through his spine and the damn things pulled themselves back up!

Urahara!!

Ichigo really should have known better than to trust any gift that he received from his far older and far more insane lover…it wasn’t as though these sorts of happenings were something new. From the cameras Kisuke had installed in Ichigo’s bed frame to the seemingly innocent copper bracelet that indicated when Ichigo’s body temperature was spiking, his boyfriend was always doing something obnoxious that impeded on Ichigo’s privacy. Granted, it had been pretty fun to put on an exhibitionist show for Kisuke when he realized the cameras were there, but that was really beside the point. The point was that Kisuke was a paranoid freak, and was constantly worried that someone was going to take advantage of “his beloved Ichigo” when he wasn’t around. The point was that if Ichigo didn’t get these things off his body in the next two minutes he was going to run straight over to the Shoten and slaughter the blonde where he stood. Love or no love. You shouldn’t fuck with a man’s underwear.

But back to the problem at hand…the underpants from hell. He tugged on them again, unable to make them budge, growling low in his throat as he stood there in the middle of his room practically naked. Why? Why couldn’t he have fallen in love with someone else? Was it fate playing a cruel joke on him? Why?! And yet, even though he was stranded in his underwear, unable to change, he still couldn’t find it in himself to hate the damn man. Because Ichigo knew, deep down, that this was mostly just Urahara’s fucked up way of showing his affection…and slightly obsessive nature.

“Step away from the redhead with your hands up!”

Ichigo jumped and spun around towards his window, mouth dropping to the ground as Kisuke came bounding into the room with Benihime at the ready. In his other hand was a small flashing light, beeping obnoxiously each time that Ichigo would shift his body or take a step in any direction. He should have known it would be something like this. He really should have.

“Are you all right?” Kisuke cooed, rushing forward and wrapping his arms around Ichigo’s body, brushing their cheeks together gently before casting his glance around the room. “My Protective Seme alarm ™ went off back at the Shoten and I got here as fast as I could! Did someone try to rape you? Are you okay? Why are you half naked? I’ll kill them if they touched you!”

“I…,” Ichigo stammered out, licking his bottom lip as he watched his boyfriend do a complete room check of his bedroom. Under the bed, in the closet, under the desk, in the trashcan, under the mattress, in his backpack, behind the television, before finally coming back and sealing their lips together, steering Ichigo firmly towards the sheets. Delicious. Kisuke was an absolute expert kisser, leaving no part of Ichigo’s mouth unexplored, ripping away every bit of conscious thought and leaving him a quivering mass of desire.

But…wait…he’d been angry about something…what was it?

Kisuke’s tongue was trailing down his abdomen before Ichigo finally remembered, digging his fingers into the blonde’s hair and dragging him up to eye level with an annoyed grunt.

“What the fuck?” Ichigo growled. “Of course I’m not okay! I couldn’t get these damn high tech underwear you gave me off!”

Urahara at least had the decency to blush slightly, glancing away before gazing down with a sheepish look on his face. “Um…yes. Those. Well, I…I didn’t want anyone to touch you! You’re so gorgeous that you could be assaulted at any time! I have to be ready as your responsible seme.”

“You are an idiot,” Ichigo said, finding it hard not to laugh. “Do you realize that? I couldn’t get them off to change!”

“Well, that’s the best part of the design!” Urahara rolled the two of them over, tugging the underwear easily down over Ichigo’s hips and eventually off his body completely. When Ichigo was naked on top of him Kisuke grinned, licking a clean line across Ichigo’s lips, leaving him slightly shivering. “I’m the only one who can take them off…so any time you want to change them, I’ll be around to supervise.”

“So,” Ichigo began, biting down on Urahara’s bottom lip before latching onto the side of his neck. “What you’re saying is this was all an elaborate way to see me naked on a daily basis?” Instantly the older man’s arms wrapped around his body in return, hands massaging Ichigo's ass before slowly pulling the cheeks apart to let his index finger tease across the opening.

“Pretty much,” Kisuke finally admitted, rolling them over once again to urge Ichigo’s thighs wide and make room for himself.

“Idiot.”

“What?”

“All you had to do was ask.”

“Now where’s the fun in that?!”



I can so see Ichigo's face during the VAST majority of this fic. Hope you guys get as much of a kick out of this as I did.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Cherry!

Date: 2008-12-04 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] madrona-8.livejournal.com
I like the trademark...nice touch.
If Ichigo were within my protection I think I'd have an alarm too.
"aruuuga aruuuga, you have entered the forbidden zone, aruuuga, aruuuga"

Date: 2008-12-04 11:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
You'll have to thank [livejournal.com profile] 2metaldog for that one, cause she was the one who came up with the idea. LOL. I just ran with it.

I'd have the boy set up with alarms and bells and lasers that shoot out from every direction.

"STEP AWAY FROM THE BISHIE. STEP AWAY FROM THE BISHIE."

Date: 2008-12-05 01:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 2metaldog.livejournal.com
*bawahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*

You used it!
*falls over laughing*

Oh god that was good. I've had to start typing several times as I'm giggling and missing the right keys. I accept full blame for this.

Date: 2008-12-05 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
*grin*

Thanks. I wrote it in like...forty five minutes so its not very cohesive, but its funny!

*giggle* Urahara is the only character where you can write cracktacular shit like that and it actually come CLOSE to his canon portrayal. I mean, he would so do something like that.

*shakes head*

Date: 2008-12-05 02:10 am (UTC)
ext_305692: (Default)
From: [identity profile] ruyu.livejournal.com
My Protective Seme alarm ™ ...bwahah. This was so cute. I can totally see Urahara doing this. :3 Thanks for sharing!

Date: 2008-12-05 02:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
My pleasure entirely. I'm glad you got a kick out of it!

Date: 2008-12-05 02:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tanomono.livejournal.com
Haha, that was just great! =DD

Date: 2008-12-05 10:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)

Date: 2008-12-05 03:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] scottishlanen.livejournal.com
Doesn't every Seme have one of those machines implanted them? Of course this IS Urahara so of course he made something lol.

Though to be honest....the underwear....I kind envisioned them to be something between a male chasity belt and red flannel logging pants made into shorts (snort). It was just wrong LOL.

Cute though ^_^

Date: 2008-12-05 10:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
OMG LOL. I didn't really describe them because I wanted people to envision whatever they wanted...so if you envisioned red flannel logging pants than that is your right and privledge! LOL.

Thanks for reading! :)

Date: 2008-12-05 08:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sofeenalee.livejournal.com
'love or no love, you shouldn't fuck with a man's underwear'

This line cracked me up so much, it woke my parents up in the next room.

Date: 2008-12-05 10:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
It's so true though...you should never fuck with another human being's underpants. It's just WRONG.

Oh nu! I hope you managed to close the story before they realized you were reading yaoi! LOL

Date: 2008-12-05 06:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cmc42.livejournal.com
*giggling like mad*

Oh goodness this has cheered me up no end. My usual seminar supervisor at Uni for HCI was absent and the one we had instead was so patronising -_- That on top of a couple of things I've read on my LJ F-list today, my leg hurting, and the Java assignment that is due in in a few hours, this fic was just what I needed to make my day. ^_^

*adds to memories*


Side note: dammit I keep on forgetting to add an Icon of Urahara I really need to do that. >_

Date: 2008-12-05 10:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Awwww i'm glad to have cheered you up! Uraichi is the best way I know to cheer MYSELF up, so i'm glad it worked for you too!

Would you like me to MAKE you an Urahara icon? I loooove him desperately so if you'd like I can do so. Let me know either way. :)

Date: 2008-12-05 11:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cmc42.livejournal.com
Oh... *flails* You're too kind. ^_^

I'd LOVE it if you made an icon. ♥

Date: 2008-12-06 12:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
It will be my pleasure!

Do you want it to say anything in particular? Or just something cool and Uraharaish?

Date: 2008-12-06 12:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cmc42.livejournal.com
Something cool and Uraharaish. ^_^

Date: 2008-12-05 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Wow, hilarious fic! And half of Urahara's inventions here have completely set off my muse screaming, so amazing! Super Seme Urahara!

Date: 2008-12-05 10:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Well i'm glad to have set off your muse! I hope to see perhaps some Uraichi in my future from you? *giggle*

The pairing does NOT get enough love. Really.

Date: 2008-12-05 10:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Haha, maybe, if I have time. Could be months into the future :P

It really, really doesn't ;)

Date: 2008-12-05 10:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Hence why I am constantly writing stuff for them. My collection of Uraichi stuff is...WAY too big these days. But I luff them. So I must continue.

And not to worry! I can wait months!

Date: 2008-12-05 10:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Haha, my collection of Bleach fics is rising, hoping to add to the UraIchi section at some point. You write that pairing so well, I'm in awe of you ;)

Glad you can, I've got to beat this annoying StarkxIchigo story into submission first before starting on anything else >.>

Date: 2008-12-05 11:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Pfffttt...there is nothing to be "in awe" of silly.

I think that when you really like/love a pairing it shows in your writing. I genuinely ENJOY writing the two of them together, so I think when people read that they see it.

Stark x Ichigo? I'm curious to see how you pulled that off!

Date: 2008-12-05 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
It does really show, there's like a fondness for the two there

Haha, there's a lot of smut, broken up by brief periods of Ichigo angsting and Byakuya interupting :P

Date: 2008-12-05 11:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
SMUUUUUUUUUUUT!!! *throws hands up in the air*

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I love smut. I don't write it nearly often enough, but I LOVE it.

You must show me this smut.

Date: 2008-12-05 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Smut is a wonderful thing, hate and love writing it at the same time...

How should I show you, oh lord (... too much Life of Brian). I'm actually writing some right now, haha!

Date: 2008-12-05 11:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Agreed. I *agonize* over writing most of my smut. It's so labor intensive for me. I always want to make it unique and touching and hot all at once. It's HARD to write good smut.

Date: 2008-12-05 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Me too, I get so worried about it being repetitive, same old jazz. No-one wants to read practically the same sex scene over and over. Oh the agony! *Stares hard at smut*

Date: 2008-12-05 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Why the hell aren't you a freaking member of my Flist? Huh? I like you! I will now befriend you so that you can see ALL my nonsense. *hee hee*

Date: 2008-12-05 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Mwahaha, and I will mull over whether to add you or not... done mulling, you're definitely being added!

Date: 2008-12-05 11:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Hey I remember your stories! I love both your bleach stories that i've read. No wonder I liked you right away!

You=Awesome.

Date: 2008-12-05 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Aww, thanks! Don't think I've been equalled to awesome in quite a while :P

You=Spiffing

Date: 2008-12-06 12:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
Well I can't imagine why not! You're very personable and fun to talk with. Or at least I think so.

Hmmm...and now to make a lovely Urahara icon for my pal Claire. Hmmm...what shall I do...

*think think think*

Date: 2008-12-06 10:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grumpy-face.livejournal.com
Urahara icon, eh? Is it something humorous?

Date: 2008-12-08 09:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annieroo2.livejournal.com
ROFL! That was hilarious. Only Kisuke would think up something so diabolical and yet in his own way very sweet... well, sweet and perverted. :D



Date: 2008-12-08 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] conjure-lass.livejournal.com
I always tend to think that he doesn't percieve himself to be scheming. *giggle* He sees himself as being perfectly normal.

I'm working on my uraichi Christmas fic now...*grin* It's actually NOT going to be smut this year. O.O

Date: 2008-12-14 08:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ceres-wish.livejournal.com
Oh my, i definitely get a kick out of this! I absolutely adore your possessive and devious Kisuke!! Well done!! ^^

XD

Date: 2009-08-27 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lad-s-love.livejournal.com
"(...)Love or no love. You shouldn’t fuck with a man’s underwear." XD
I'm sure you were told that many times but...god... those two sentences just made my dayXD I was laughing so hard I think I broke a rib or threeXD
The odd thing is that I really can see Kisuke inventing/installing those devices(he HAD good reasons! I approve whole-heartedly! X3)... and that it's not OOC at ALL!XD great job!:D

Date: 2010-07-05 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xera-black.livejournal.com
ahhh - love your work!!
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